WHAT DOES HAVING A FINAL RESTRAINING ORDER MEAN?
Having a restraining order means you have chosen to end your relationship with someone who has abused you. It is a law enforcement tool meant to help you carry out your decision to end your relationship with the abuser. A restraining order will be taken seriously only if it is strictly enforced. There are ways you can help the police and prosecutors enforce the order. Many suggestions are listed below.
WHAT KIND OF CONTACT AM I PERMITTED TO HAVE WITH THE OTHER PARTY?
The amount of contact allowed depends on what is written in the order. If you have an order that prohibits any further contact, you should not contact the abuser in any way. You should never invite the abuser over. If the order prohibits the abuser from visiting the children at your home, you should follow the order. If you do not follow the order and the abuser gets into an argument with you or hurts you, it is not likely that the abuser will be found guilty of violating the order.
If you allow the abuser to contact you or come to your home, you will give the abuser the message that it is okay to contact you. Remember: Any contact at all gives the abuser an opportunity to manipulate your feelings. "I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I'll get help, etc." are all things abusers say to try to convince you to reconcile. The abuser may also suggest that you are partly to blame for the abuse. Remember: You are not to blame for the abuse. Nobody has the right to assault you physically or verbally. That is why you have chosen to end the relationship.
WHAT DO I DO TO CHANGE VISITATION ARRANGEMENTS IF I AM NOT PERMITTED TO CONTACT THE ABUSER?
If you need to permanently change the day, time or location of the visitation, you must go back to court and ask the court to make the change on the order. If you make the change instead of the court, the order cannot be enforced. If the change is to be a one time change, make arrangements through a neutral third party rather than calling the abuser directly.
WHAT IF I CHANGE MY MIND?
If you wish to date, marry or live with the abuser again, you must go back to court and ask the court to dismiss the restraining order. If the order is not dismissed the abuser can be arrested at any time just for being with you. If you allow the abuser to contact you and he gets into an argument with you or hurts you, it is not likely that the abuser will be found guilty of violating the restraining order.
If you are tempted to drop your restraining order, please consider the following:
-
Children who witness abuse learn that violence is an acceptable way of resolving conflict.
-
Children who witness abuse suffer from a variety of physical and emotional pain. Stomachaches, headaches, ulcers, hyper-activity, acting out behaviors and lack of ability to concentrate are some of the indications that these children are under a great deal of stress.
-
If your partner has drug or alcohol problems, nothing is going to change unless he actually seeks help. Alcohol and drugs do not cause abuse, but may accelerate it.
-
Counseling for the abuser may help to begin the process of change, but it is essential that the abuser go to a program that specifically targets abusive behavior.
Remember: Strictly enforcing your restraining order increases the likelihood the abuser will complete a rehabilitation program or batterer's counseling program. You need support during this difficult time. Consider joining a support group or calling a battered women's hotline to speak with a counselor.
WHAT SHOULD I DO IF HE WANTS ME TO POST BAIL TO GET HIM OUT OF JAIL?
If you are considering posting bail, be aware that if the abuser does not return to court, you risk losing the money you have posted for bail. Threats, intimidation, crying, pressure from relatives are techniques many abusers use to convince you to arrange bail. Consider that the defendant is not likely to remember you posted bail. Instead, he will believe that you are to blame for the arrest. If you are worried about child support, discuss your concerns with the prosecutor assigned to your case or your attorney so the court can review the matter and make alternative solutions.
WHAT SHOULD I DO IF HE WANTS ME TO DROP THE CRIMINAL CHARGES AGAINST HIM?
If you drop the charges, the abuser will believe that the behavior is acceptable and that he can continue to harass you, harm you or control you.
WHAT SHOULD I DO IF THE ABUSER CALLS ME AND I WANT TO ENFORCE MY RESTRAINING ORDER?
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DO ABOUT TELEPHONE HARASSMENT IS GET AN UNLISTED PHONE NUMBER AND MAKE SURE TO GIVE THAT NUMBER ONLY TO PEOPLE WHO WILL NOT PROVIDE IT TO THE ABUSER.
The more contact you have with the abuser, the more the abuser will perceive that it is acceptable to contact you. If your abuser calls you by phone, hang up immediately. Then pick up the phone and at the dial tone press *57. By using *57, you signal the Annoyance Phone Bureau to trace the call. After you have activated *57, call your local police department, giving them the day and time of the call. Please keep a written log of all such calls. When you activate *57, it will be reflected on your next phone bill. Also provide the phone bill to the police and keep copies for your records.
If your abuser calls you collect from jail, accept the charges and hang up the phone. Then call the County Police at (908) 654-9800 and give them the day and time of the call. The abuser will be charged with violating the restraining order.
If the abuser is permitted under the order to call your children, you still should obtain an unpublished number and request a teenage phone extension which only your children will answer so the children may be contacted directly. In the alternative, use an answering machine to screen your calls. If the abuser is calling for the children, let the children pick up the phone.
If the abuser leaves harassing or threatening messages on your answering machine, immediately take the tape out of the machine and contact the police. If the message is left on voice mail, save it and then notify the police.
WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP THE POLICE AND PROSECUTOR'S OFFICE WITH MY CRIMINAL CASE?
The most important thing you can do is save evidence. If you have bruises, ask the police to take pictures or have a friend or family member take pictures. If your abuser writes you letters, save those letters and the envelopes and give them to your local police department as evidence. Keep copies for your own records. If the abuser breaks a window or does other property damage, ask the police to take pictures of the damage. You should obtain receipts for repair of the damage. Give any pictures you have taken of the damage and the receipts to the local police department. Maintain copies of both the pictures and receipts for your own records.
If you have been the victim of a sexual assault, go to the police immediately. They will take you to the hospital for a special examination for important evidence. Do not take a shower or wash before you call the police, otherwise important evidence may be lost. If you have already washed or showered, go to the police anyway. If you have clothing that was torn in any kind of assault, bring it to the police as evidence. Do not wash it.
If you are being followed it is very important to keep a written log of the dates and times of each incident and to contact your local police department with this information.
WHAT SHOULD I DO IF THE ABUSER KNOWS WHERE I LIVE OR WORK AND HAS THREATENED ME?
If you are in physical danger from the abuser and he knows where you live, but is not entitled to pick up his children from that address, you should strongly consider moving. Make sure that you do not give the new address to anyone who will give it to the abuser. Always carry a copy of your restraining order with you. Changing locks, putting bars on first floor windows and installing outdoor motion detector lights are some of the things you may consider doing to protect yourself. You should alert your neighbors to your situation and ask them to call the police if they see the abuser on or near your property.
If the abuser knows where you work, be aware of the possibility of the abuser following you home from work and thereby locating your new residence. If your employer has more than one location, this may be a good time to request a transfer to a new location. If the abuser is following you, go immediately to the nearest police department.
SHOULD I TELL MY EMPLOYER ABOUT THE RESTRAINING ORDER?
Yes!!! Having a restraining order is nothing to be ashamed of. It is important to alert those around you to the existence of the order so they will call the police if you are unable to. It is better to overcome any embarrassment than to be seriously injured or killed because those you work with or live with do not know of your situation and, therefore, do not know how to react quickly and appropriately.
SHOULD I TELL THE SCHOOL MY CHILDREN ATTEND?
You should give a copy of the restraining order to any school or child care center that your children attend. You should also point out the custody and visitation arrangements on the order so the abuser is not permitted to remove the children from school when the order does not allow it.
THIS INFORMATION IS PROVIDED BY THE UNION COUNTY PROSECUTOR'S OFFICE AND THE UNION COUNTY DOMESTIC VIOLENCE WORKING GROUP.
IT IS MEANT TO HELP YOU UNDERSTAND HOW TO GET THE MAXIMUM PROTECTION FROM A RESTRAINING ORDER. THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A LEGAL INTERPRETATION OF THE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE LAW.
This handout may not have answered all of your questions.
For further questions you may contact: |